"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Some time has passed since I have added to my blog and it is not without reason. I love writing and as I mentioned before it is really a very therapeutic creative process to sift through the thoughts and feelings that this precious life of mine evokes each and every day. Like any other creative process it does not go without vulnerability. I realize that I take a risk by exposing the inner crevasses of my heart, mind and soul. In the weeks passing since my last blog many of you asked when I would be writing again. Thank you! I am glad that I can make you smile, laugh or reflect. In my life, there have been many who have taken a risk, exposed their vulnerabilities and shared their souls and I am so grateful because they made me smile and reflect. I chose the quote today because someone tried to take this from me and I almost allowed it. I nearly allowed it until I realized that they couldn't, not without my consent. I am not sure why we do this to each other and I am even less sure why we allow others to do it to us. I only know that we each get to decide for ourselves how we live, whom we love and how we serve. Above all, hold self love superior and consent only to that which you fully agree.

Dining with Ducks

This weekend I went to dinner and took advantage of what is left of warm autumn weather and chose to enjoy my meal outdoors. It was lovely, a beautiful table positioned next to a fountain and a pond a quiet ambiance and a duck...a duck? It was so cute, little orange webbed feet, bright blue feathers on its wings. It just waited for me to throw a morsel, a crumb his direction. I gave it a small peice of my garlic toast which it seemed to like. My friend on the otherhand had a more sinister plan, he fed our feathered friend a peice of chicken. OMG, that is just fowl. Ducky seemed to enjoy it though, was that like some form of canabalism? It made us laugh, does that make us just sad? Dining with Ducks...

"Checque please... oh...just put it on his bill"!

A Human Life is a Story Told By God

A human life is a story told by God. ~Hans Christian Andersen


Much has been written about our human existance by people much wiser and with much more knowledge than me. Tonight I am reflecting on how many try to avoid life with as little pain as possible. They will do most anything to keep themselves safe, protected and cushioned from the emotional obstacles that life can offer. I see them put on their Sunday best every day, clean and pristine and sit on the sidelines to keep unmarked, fresh. I am not judging but only to say I want to live my life dirty, messy, I love rolling in the mud of everything this world has to offer and tomorrow I will wake up and put on another clean appearance only to end the day with stains and grit. Isn't that why we are here? I have to believe that my creator had some plan for my being a part of this all and I have to believe that whatever s/he hopes me to learn or accomplish is going to be more difficult when I am not participating. I love participating, I love feeling, and growing and learning, falling and pulling myself up again. I love shedding the old and recreating the new, I love this life I was given. It is a gift, my human life is a story... it may only be interesting to me but along this journey I have stopped at the intersections with many and they are a story too. We are all a story, some long, some short but I want my story to be a drama, a suspense, a mystery a comedy a tear jerker, I want my story to be something I decided to co-create rather than pages of words that just blindly move along. What will be the story of your life?

A family still lives here

Childhood memories of hot summer days and nights that seemed to go on and on forever. Sitting next to Grandpa, on Dads back, in the rocking chair next to Grandma. Fishing, camping, canning, strawberries, and chocolate covered peanuts. Girl Scout camp, marching band, choir and vacation bible school. Adult memories of soft pastel blankets, smells of baby powder and applesause, tiny sticky fingers. Carving pumpkins, cookies and milk, yellow buses, valentine boxes, tiny white envelopes, candyhearts, construction paper and paste. First jobs, cars, boy/girl friends, test passed and failed smiles and tears, decisions, vocations. Vows and flowers, kisses, dances celebrations and beginnings.

Today, I want to say to the world... hey! A family still lives here. they live in my memories, in my children, my parents, my grandchildren... in potroasts and chili, in concerts and decorated packages, telephone calls, birthday cards, hospital visits weddings and funerals... a family still lives here in my heart! my family still lives here.

The Tangled Heart Necklace

Have you ever wondered about jewelry? I always find it a mystery how it can be in a rather protected place and yet when you choose to wear it, it can get all tangled and knotted and wrapped around each other. I sometimes wonder if it is like the toys in "Toy Story" when you are not looking there is some kind of a signal and all your jewelry starts to do a conga line and weave in and out of each other. Tonight I am feeling the same way about my heart. It is a mystery to me how I can have my heart in what I believe to be a fairly protected space, and when I am not looking it can get all tangled and knotted and wrapped up so tightly with situations and people that I just don't know how or when it happened let alone how to fix it. Like my jewelry, it is difficult to undo the mess...it is similar to untangling jewelry you need to let it get really relaxed and you must be in a very patient mind because to try to undertake this task when you are in a hurry or upset it just lends itself to more frustration. My heart is like that too. When it is tangled and knotted, I have to allow it the space to relax and move my spirit to quiet so that I will have the patience and understanding to undertake the challange of repairing it. Hmmm my heart, my jewelry, an interesting similarity. My Heart Jewelry, tangled, knotted, fragile... all but broken, if I am too hasty in my attempt to fix it the chain may disconnect and permanently separate. Better to sleep, and quiet my mind and undertake the task tomorrow.

Word Mandala

Have you observed the beautiful masterful art of the monks when they create a sand Mandala? The colored grains of sand organized in designs and swirls that creates something so beautiful. When the design is complete they empty it away and it is gone forever, never to be created again. Gone!

Tonight I captured some very profound thoughts. Thoughts organized around codependency. I shared memories of a joke I heard, "what did the codependent see when he was on his death bed? Someone Else's life passing before his eyes". That joke, propelled me to reflect on my mothers illness, my mortality and a sharing of my own experiences as they related to codependency. I wrote about how I willingly allowed my life to become so entangled with another, about being sucked into the vortex of their life, a vacuum that propelled me. I wrote about what a dishonor it was to loose my anchor and to assert my weight upon the sails of another. I captured how important it is for me to give of myself but to maintain my independence, and I wrote in that final paragraph... the climactic thought that when I leave this planet the life I see flashing before my eyes HAD DAMN WELL BE MINE! and then, I do what I do, I put someones needs ahead of my own, to return a phone call that could have waited until my thoughts had been fully realized and in the touch of a button POOF .... it was all gone! All my thoughts, all my words... all of my feelings. My spirit felt realizations disappeared, I couldn't recapture them. While I am telling this story, another was created. My thoughts, my feelings, my words... a Mandala, How symbolic! The lesson, that the lesson isn't over, my codependency has deep roots and by not paying attention to my life, I discount it. If I want the life that passes in front of my eyes at my death to be mine... I had better damn well be paying attention. My word mandala, swept away, How profound.

Parking Out Of The Lines

I believe everyone has their little quirks , strange things they do... the beauty of our relationships with others is that they put our quirks front and center so that you are sure to see them. If I hadn't anyone close to me I may not notice that I don't screw the lids back on jars, I may just grumble under my breath, when I have to pick out the pieces of Kleenex because I forgot to take them out of my pocket before I did the laundry, but no one would be the wiser. Other useful realizations include my dislike for the ends of pickles, spiders and insects with more than 4 legs, my refusing to drink water unless it is cold or with ice , and the fact that I am directionally challenged. I have also become aware that I announce when I am going to the bathroom, (comes from the years of children yelling for me when they couldn't find me), I leave Kleenex in rolled up little balls under my pillow and I don't like to eat a meal alone and I sometimes can't remember what I went into the room to get. You may have encountered that vehicle in the parking lot that is parked over the yellow lines , I have a confession, it could be me.

Most of the quirky things I do are outside of the lines. I have become desensitized to them. Having others in my life helps me challenge myself to be better. It would be easy if I only had to answer to me, but It would also facilitate complacency. Being a part of a relationship, a family, community or team keeps me accountable to others and essentially to myself. It is through this process that I can evolve and grow and always have a list of things to work on.

My Spiritual GPS

I am directionally challanged! Ok... I admit it. I spent over a decade traveling rural areas for my career and I could always find my way from Jones corner to the cemetary road down by the old mill but put me in the middle of an urban area with a few hundred cars, lights, horns merging trafffic and a million different options and I am lost. At the urging of my staff, friends and family I finally broke down and purchased a GPS system. I can't believe that I have survived without one. It reminds me a little of my microwave oven back in the early "80's". My Grandma bought me one as a gift and I remember thinking that it was really nice but I questioned if I would ever use it... think again...again, I can't imagine my life without it. I call my new GPS Gypsy, because she has a robotic, mysterious female voice and she foretells the future. In fact, I have learned so much about myself already from Gypsy. I learned that using a GPS requires a fair amount of faith. You program in the address of your destination and press "GO". Gypsy takes it from there. At every intersection, lane change and Avenue she tells me step by step how to get there. I am in total trust of Gypsy's fortune telling ability and I blindly follow her words. Oh, there is a little map that shows a little blue car that travels the path with pink lines and white curves to indicate the immediate journey ahead but in truth it is Gypsy's voice that directs me. There have been a couple of times in which I doubted her and I took control, only to be reminded of my fore mentioned confession, I am still directionally challenged. I guess I have to try it out once in awhile to remember how I got to relying on her in the first place. Perhaps I feel that after a short time with her guidance I will be healed in some way and I will suddenly have some epiphany and be able to navigate on my own? Regardless, I have found myself humbled asking for Gypsy's advice. She never judges me, she just picks up where we left off and soon I am back on my journey again.



I can't help but be reminded of the similarities to my relationship with my spiritual power When I let go of the outcomes of my life and put the journey in the hands of what I have come to believe as my God, then I make the journey painlessly and without delay. When I get in my own way, and start to believe that I know what is best for me, that is when I am quickly reminded and humbled to once again realize, that I need the direction of something more all knowing then myself. I don't profess to understand or to know anything about religion, or science. I only know that for me, when I place my life and will in the hands of God and allow that to move as it will, I am at peace. It does not always mean that I will be put on a path without slowdowns, stops or merging traffic, but I can trust, if history is an indicator, I will get to where I need to when I need to get there. Just like Gypsy, when I suffer spiritual amnesia and go back to my former habits, I am never judged, but am soon back on the journey again and I am reminded, how did I ever survive without God? oh yes... I remember that I did survive... but now, I live! Intersections, merging traffic and all and I can enjoy the journey.

My Chinese Fortune

Tonight I picked up Chinese food and the fortune cookie read, "You will soon receive an unusual proposition". I love Chinese fortunes, I don't take them too seriously but I have to admit I am a little intrigued . What unusual proposition? hmmmm... The circus was just in town, perhaps I will be asked to join ? Hey, maybe I will meet a handsome rich man who would offer me a million dollars to sleep with him like in the movie with Demi Moore. Better yet, I have always wanted to be a backup singer, I have tickets to see Kidd Rock in a few weeks... maybe he will ask me to "Ride along" on tour. The fortune clearly states that the proposition has to be unusual... so I hardly think that the customary propositions like "I'll pay for lunch today and you can pick it up tomorrow" should qualify. Unusual in my mind should be something not usual... like the circus or backup singer requests. I love it, now I will be secretly seeking and vigilantly observant to discover the "unusual proposition". I hope it is something good unusual verses a proposition to be a part of some odd medical experiment or travel to some less than exciting destination. I wonder if the creator of this fortune realizes the impact they have on peoples lives? are they liable if I am "less than focused" awaiting a proposition and I miss an opportunity of a lifetime? All things to consider. For tonight I will simply propose this... a good night's sleep and a new day tomorrow. I will keep you posted on any future propositions.

My mind is full!

Today I felt stretched in a million different ways and the twists and turns were ridiculous. You know, one of those days when you wake up in the morning and you contemplate the day, the tasks you will accomplish etc and then it ends up completely different then what you had expected? Today was a day In which I question if I have even a fraction of focus because as I reached for the pencil to write down the items on my "to do" list I realize that the notebook is on the desk behind me under the file folder that has the receipt for the expense report that I remember is overdue and when I open the folder there is a note reminding me to replace the light bulb in my refrigerator that I remembered I hadn't replaced since I forgot to get the cream that I oh.... wouldn't a cup of coffee be nice?... Jeez! So... that is when you just have to laugh! If I didn't laugh I would seriously be worried. It is a wonder to me how anything ever seems to get done. Things happen, tasks get completed but I wonder how? I remember when I was the multi-task queen. I could juggle dentist appointments, car insurance bids, two jobs and organize a family reunion... what the hell happened? Maybe our minds are like our stomachs... once they get stretched it takes more and more to fill them and eventually there is so much information that it all get jumbled into one giant category that can't be filtered into normalcy? I think mine is full of passwords... damn if I have to think of one more password! Well something to contemplate. At any rate... days like today I have to remind myself that the sun will set tonight, I will wake to a new day and "who the hell knows"? Isn't life grand! hehehe

Once, I had this Day!

Days are full of realizations, some big some small. Last week I had a BIG realization. My son is 30 years old. He turned 30 in May but it was only last week that I made the connection. On July 24th I celebrated 20 years of sobriety. Everyone has a story and I have mine but that isn't what this is about, this is about the marking of time. 20 years ago I had a rebirth of sorts and 20 years have gone by in a blink. Not day to day... because some days they dragged by and some days I didn't think I would make it and a bath, a walk, a talk with a friend or a good cry lent itself to the next day. When I was my son's age I decided to take a different path then the I had been walking. and I stayed on that path for two decades! I am in disbelief, about the passing of time, in absolute awe. To think at another placemark in time, I will say... I once had this day! What will I say about this day?...It really humbles me and reminds me what a gift life is and to make the most of every day.

The Weight of Realization

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

I heard this quote and it touched a place deep inside of me. Since my recovery I realized how much I have been the person that has always made the effort, gone the extra mile or carried the weight in relationships. It has been a process of self discovery to determine whether my intentions were to control or to advert rejection. I believe everyone at their deepest core desires to be loved so deeply that if they didn't have the energy to make the journey, someone would come to carry them. I think even in my darkest moments, I never laid down along the path no matter how depleted and weary because I feared that no one would make the journey to carry me. I had teachers who have taught me how to pack for the trip, how to cope with the challenges on the path, how to rely on my spiritual strength to give me a boost when I was absolutely uncertain but I never had anyone come get me! This statement isn't to solicit sympathy, it is simply a realization. I don't know that I would ever need anyone to come to get me on the journey... but God I would love to know that someone would.

My Weekend Affair

I must make a confession...I had an affair. It started innocently enough, a brief introduction a fabulous meal , and then dancing the night away. I was seduced and fell in love with a new lover, I fell in love with Nashville. Until this weekend if given the choice I would clearly choose AC/DC , Arrowsmith or Nickleback to country music. I wouldn't have considered myself a country music fan, although my love of music is deeply rooted in country western. I was raised on Hank Williams, Sons of the Pioneers, Patsy Cline. all the legends. Nashville embodies drinking, dancing and bars filled with a mix of cowboys, bikers and ordinary people who just want to have fun. Maybe it is because the music speaks to ordinary people whose daily lives are spent working, playing, loving and falling hard. From Thursday through Sunday Nashville swept me away... but then like every good country song, our affair ended. Nashville and I said goodbye, our love treasured in memories for the rest of my life.

Adventures for peanuts!

Today I am on yet another adventure. This morning I am on a flight making my way to Nashville Tennessee to spend time with my girlfriend Toni. I love everything about an adventure. Adventures are exciting because I am never really sure what is around the next corner, what hidden treasurers I may find, interesting people that may join me on my journey, even if for a block or two. As I am seated on the plane and writing this I have already had one very pleasant surprise… Damn if we don’t get our peanuts back. If you recall many airlines quit serving peanuts a number of years ago. I am not sure what prompted that decision. Perhaps it was economics, if each miniature bag of peanuts cost the airline 50 cents and an average DC9 with approximately 110 seats charges each passenger on average $250 per ticket that could potentially save them $125 per flight. Wow! What a savings!!!…That means that one half of one seat goes entirely to fund peanuts. Perhaps the decision was in respect to those with peanut allergies?. That makes a good argument, I am not sure about you, I already have fears of sitting next to chatty Kathy or Pogo stick Paul who is in and out of the seat the entire flight, I do not want to add to my list of fears the thought of sitting next to someone going into anaphylactic shock because someone in first class is eating a peanut. Then there are the dietary factors… peanuts are high in fat and for awhile peanuts were replaced with pretzels. How considerate of the airlines to be thinking of my arterial health. Well regardless, I am sure it took customer feedback surveys, financial analysis and Executive level meetings to decide to bring back the peanuts So, as I thumb though my “Skymall magazine” and eat my little pile of peanuts and drink my complimentary beverage I am delighted!. Can life get any better than this? Hmmm I guess I will have to see what adventures await me. Stay tuned!

Things that go bump in my life

Fear is something we all deal with in our lives. As a child I was scared of the dark and ghosts and imagined monsters under my bed . As an adult the fears are much the same only the fear of the dark is fear of the unknown the ghosts are remnants of the baggage I carry from negative past experiences and monsters are the events that render me powerless and frozen, too stunned to react. How often my fears are imagined scenarios I play over in my mind. I tell myself that it is in preparation, you know, "the worse case scenario"?...in reality my scenarios rarely come to fruition. In fact a description of fear is "Fictional Events Appearing Real. For me, fear is the absence of faith, and faith is just the knowing that whatever happens is by some design that I am just too small to understand. I pray for understanding, I pray for courage, I pray for wisdom but I realize that I do not have any control over the outcomes only the actions that lead to them. I forget these things sometimes, spiritual amnesia , then I have reflective moments and I remember. My favorite author Marianne Williamson says "Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here." We are born trusting and we learn to mistrust... first others and then probably the most tragic, ourselves. For today I rely on faith and trust in myself that if history is an indication of the future, no matter what happens, It will be exactly as predicted but not by me!

On my refrigerator

I have really enjoyed writing this blog every day. It enables to me be more present to the happenings of the day and I find myself thinking about which topic I can write about. Tonight I am getting a late start but I had decided upon my topic earlier in the evening . I really like to write about the ordinary, the things we just do, say or participate in that we give little thought to. Sometimes I feel more profound and write about things that I grapple with or think about. At any rate. this blog is a way of unwinding and spilling out the unused mental energies of the day. Today I want to write about my refrigerator. I realized that my refrigerator says alot about me. I have photos of my friends , my family and my grandchildren as well as clever magnets with unique sayings like "A fool and his money are my kind of guy". I have a photo of myself by my brother-in-laws race car, on the edge of the Grand Canyon and dressed as a nun with my sister. I have magnets that express my philosphies like "I am not hard to please I just like things done MY WAY!" and "I understand the concept of COOKING & CLEANING just not as it applies to me". I am fan of the Wizard of Oz and I am also convinced I was a witch in a former life... thus the "Now be gone before somebody drops a house on you! and "Don't make me get the winged monkeys!" magnets. I have meter that can be changed on a daily basis to reflect the mood I am in...happy, naughty, bitchy...you get the drift. I display the serenity prayer , my work "Start!" magnet and my favorite, photos of my boyfriend and I in the dollar photo booth smiling and kissing. I am amazed at the simple ways we can express ourselves and our creativity. My refrigerator is like my very own Hall of Fame and work of art. You will know when you become someone special to me when you appear on my refrigerator. My refrigerator has evolved through the years. my children's works of art have been replaced by my grandchildren's and the photographs of tiny infants are replaced by the one, three, five and eight year olds. I guess I just stopped for a moment today and realized the ways in which we unknowingly attempt to be understood, to be special, unique and most importantly to be acknowledged. I love my refrigerator and I love everything on it.

The Serious Subject of Letting Go

By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.-- Lao Tzu

I talked with someone today about their frustrations and concerns regarding someone that they love. Intuitively I could feel their frustration, fear and powerlessness. How simple it seems, if only we could wave a magic wand and people, places or situations would do as we wished? That thought leads me to remember though... I have not always done so well given the power over my own life, let alone to have charge of another.

Today I am grateful for the friends and teachers who are there for me to help me realize that the illusion I have control is the illusion of my humanity and to remind me I wouldn't really want that power anyway. I love this quote! Simply stated, The world is unfolding as it should whether that is clear to us or not and whether Kim is fighting to achieve or allowing to unfold the world is beyond winning!

I don't want a sleep number... Please!

I am having a wonderful weekend downtown Minneapolis and listened to some great music last night at the Basilica Block Party! We decided to just stay in a hotel and enjoy the city, since we live here it is easy to overlook what is in your own back yard. A feature that the hotel likes to add to their list of amenities is a "Sleep Number" bed. I have heard commercials where they talk about knowing your sleep number... the benefit of each person being able to create their own mattress firmness and radio personalities and celebrities proudly exclaiming their "Sleep Number"! After some time of adjusting and moving the number up and down... I realized very simply.. "I don't wanna sleep number"! Please just have a mattress for me to sleep on without my having to make a decision. I don't want to have to adjust and calibrate my bed especially when I am weary and tired and just want to get some rest.

I guess we have moved into a time in our human evolution where we want choices... "have it your way" hamburgers.... individualized features on cell phones and computer monitors and a list of ingredients for a coffee order... but geesh... frankly, I get really tired of making decisions. So for today... I will have a simple cup of coffee with a little cream please... a hamburger with the works and damn... I will fall into my hotel "Sleep Number" bed and lay my weary head to rest on whatever darn number it has programed.

Yeah! I got water shoes

Today in a conversation with a friend I made mention of the "little things in life", you know...the little things that give us joy or make our life more comfortable? Things we often take for granted. I remembered because I thought of my water shoes. You see, I can function just fine without water shoes and when we were in Florida this past winter as uncomfortable as I was walking on the weeds and rocks and mucky sinking sand with my bare feet, I managed. A couple of weeks ago I waded into Lake Minnetonka and again, was a little repulsed by the weedy bottom and moved on my tippy toes to quickly find the spots that didn't have any weeds but, I managed. Sunday I found a pair of water shoes! It was wonderful! I walked on the bottom of the weedy lake and hopped on my floatation device and I enjoyed the entire swimming experience. Today , the memory of my water shoes prompted me to think about some of the other things that bring me joy... like spanx, you know the super elastic undergarments that keep you looking lean tight and ten pounds thinner? What about the automatic delay on the coffee maker that allows me to be awakened by the smell of freshly brewed coffee? I could make coffee myself but the auto coffee delay allows me the pleasure of waking up in the morning to that wonderful aroma. How about the "vibrate" feature on your cell phone? It is sure easier than turning your phone on and off when you are in a meeting or at the movies. All the little things like automatic doors and bathroom water faucets and paper towel dispensers. All these little things that we don't even realize, (except the time I stood in front of the door waiting for it to open and realized I had to actually grab the handle and do it myself). As I moved through my evening, I had to smile ...I have all of these things that make me happy! I don't need them, I can live without them but they are here entirely to make my life just a little bit more comfortable.

On my Honor, I will try

The Girl Scout Promise
On my honor, I will try:

To serve God

and my country,

To help people at all times,

And to live by the Girl Scout Law

So this is what came into my mind to share today. For some unknown reason when I was thinking of what profound prayer, quote, music lyric or thought I could share today the "Girl Scout Promise" came into my mind. It has been decades since I was a Girl Scout and yet when I "googled and saw the words come up on the page they sounded strangely familiar. How seriously this promise was taken by a skinny long-legged redhead in fourth grade. I would hold up my three fingers and recite the words with such conviction. I could serve God, I learned how to do that in Sunday School...check. and my Country????? that confused me.... to help other people at all times... sure I could do that and live by the Girl Scout Law... well that is another blog subject, but seriously, it was about living with honesty and integrity and conviction...I could do that too. To be a Girl Scout meant that you got to wear your green uniform to school, and exhibit your sash that sported all of the badges you had earned. Badges for things like "Hiking", "Cooking", "Citizenship" and the list went on and on. Each badge had a list of requirments and writing to support your endeavors. Lets also not forget camp... 5th Grade Girl Scout Camp in Brainerd MN. We took an overnight canoe trip and I did not heed the caution of our trusted leaders to keep my shoes on, stepped on a peice of glass and almost cut my pinky toe off. I would have left it hang there in the little puddle of blood but Barbie my camp partner started to cry and insisted that I tell the counselors. As you can imagine they were not so happy and had to canoe me back into town to get stitches. The remainder of camp I wore a baggie on my foot to keep it dry. Then there was the cookie sales...which I am convinced gave me my beginning in sales. Girl Scouts were good! It taught me about the world around me, about achievement and accomplishment and to be a part of a community. In the Girl Scout Promise it only required that we try. Try to serve God and our Country and others. In asking that we just be aware and that we attempt to live in this way it helped me recognize my imperfection and the lesson was in that attempt to try.