My Chinese Fortune

Tonight I picked up Chinese food and the fortune cookie read, "You will soon receive an unusual proposition". I love Chinese fortunes, I don't take them too seriously but I have to admit I am a little intrigued . What unusual proposition? hmmmm... The circus was just in town, perhaps I will be asked to join ? Hey, maybe I will meet a handsome rich man who would offer me a million dollars to sleep with him like in the movie with Demi Moore. Better yet, I have always wanted to be a backup singer, I have tickets to see Kidd Rock in a few weeks... maybe he will ask me to "Ride along" on tour. The fortune clearly states that the proposition has to be unusual... so I hardly think that the customary propositions like "I'll pay for lunch today and you can pick it up tomorrow" should qualify. Unusual in my mind should be something not usual... like the circus or backup singer requests. I love it, now I will be secretly seeking and vigilantly observant to discover the "unusual proposition". I hope it is something good unusual verses a proposition to be a part of some odd medical experiment or travel to some less than exciting destination. I wonder if the creator of this fortune realizes the impact they have on peoples lives? are they liable if I am "less than focused" awaiting a proposition and I miss an opportunity of a lifetime? All things to consider. For tonight I will simply propose this... a good night's sleep and a new day tomorrow. I will keep you posted on any future propositions.

My mind is full!

Today I felt stretched in a million different ways and the twists and turns were ridiculous. You know, one of those days when you wake up in the morning and you contemplate the day, the tasks you will accomplish etc and then it ends up completely different then what you had expected? Today was a day In which I question if I have even a fraction of focus because as I reached for the pencil to write down the items on my "to do" list I realize that the notebook is on the desk behind me under the file folder that has the receipt for the expense report that I remember is overdue and when I open the folder there is a note reminding me to replace the light bulb in my refrigerator that I remembered I hadn't replaced since I forgot to get the cream that I oh.... wouldn't a cup of coffee be nice?... Jeez! So... that is when you just have to laugh! If I didn't laugh I would seriously be worried. It is a wonder to me how anything ever seems to get done. Things happen, tasks get completed but I wonder how? I remember when I was the multi-task queen. I could juggle dentist appointments, car insurance bids, two jobs and organize a family reunion... what the hell happened? Maybe our minds are like our stomachs... once they get stretched it takes more and more to fill them and eventually there is so much information that it all get jumbled into one giant category that can't be filtered into normalcy? I think mine is full of passwords... damn if I have to think of one more password! Well something to contemplate. At any rate... days like today I have to remind myself that the sun will set tonight, I will wake to a new day and "who the hell knows"? Isn't life grand! hehehe

Once, I had this Day!

Days are full of realizations, some big some small. Last week I had a BIG realization. My son is 30 years old. He turned 30 in May but it was only last week that I made the connection. On July 24th I celebrated 20 years of sobriety. Everyone has a story and I have mine but that isn't what this is about, this is about the marking of time. 20 years ago I had a rebirth of sorts and 20 years have gone by in a blink. Not day to day... because some days they dragged by and some days I didn't think I would make it and a bath, a walk, a talk with a friend or a good cry lent itself to the next day. When I was my son's age I decided to take a different path then the I had been walking. and I stayed on that path for two decades! I am in disbelief, about the passing of time, in absolute awe. To think at another placemark in time, I will say... I once had this day! What will I say about this day?...It really humbles me and reminds me what a gift life is and to make the most of every day.

The Weight of Realization

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”

I heard this quote and it touched a place deep inside of me. Since my recovery I realized how much I have been the person that has always made the effort, gone the extra mile or carried the weight in relationships. It has been a process of self discovery to determine whether my intentions were to control or to advert rejection. I believe everyone at their deepest core desires to be loved so deeply that if they didn't have the energy to make the journey, someone would come to carry them. I think even in my darkest moments, I never laid down along the path no matter how depleted and weary because I feared that no one would make the journey to carry me. I had teachers who have taught me how to pack for the trip, how to cope with the challenges on the path, how to rely on my spiritual strength to give me a boost when I was absolutely uncertain but I never had anyone come get me! This statement isn't to solicit sympathy, it is simply a realization. I don't know that I would ever need anyone to come to get me on the journey... but God I would love to know that someone would.

My Weekend Affair

I must make a confession...I had an affair. It started innocently enough, a brief introduction a fabulous meal , and then dancing the night away. I was seduced and fell in love with a new lover, I fell in love with Nashville. Until this weekend if given the choice I would clearly choose AC/DC , Arrowsmith or Nickleback to country music. I wouldn't have considered myself a country music fan, although my love of music is deeply rooted in country western. I was raised on Hank Williams, Sons of the Pioneers, Patsy Cline. all the legends. Nashville embodies drinking, dancing and bars filled with a mix of cowboys, bikers and ordinary people who just want to have fun. Maybe it is because the music speaks to ordinary people whose daily lives are spent working, playing, loving and falling hard. From Thursday through Sunday Nashville swept me away... but then like every good country song, our affair ended. Nashville and I said goodbye, our love treasured in memories for the rest of my life.

Adventures for peanuts!

Today I am on yet another adventure. This morning I am on a flight making my way to Nashville Tennessee to spend time with my girlfriend Toni. I love everything about an adventure. Adventures are exciting because I am never really sure what is around the next corner, what hidden treasurers I may find, interesting people that may join me on my journey, even if for a block or two. As I am seated on the plane and writing this I have already had one very pleasant surprise… Damn if we don’t get our peanuts back. If you recall many airlines quit serving peanuts a number of years ago. I am not sure what prompted that decision. Perhaps it was economics, if each miniature bag of peanuts cost the airline 50 cents and an average DC9 with approximately 110 seats charges each passenger on average $250 per ticket that could potentially save them $125 per flight. Wow! What a savings!!!…That means that one half of one seat goes entirely to fund peanuts. Perhaps the decision was in respect to those with peanut allergies?. That makes a good argument, I am not sure about you, I already have fears of sitting next to chatty Kathy or Pogo stick Paul who is in and out of the seat the entire flight, I do not want to add to my list of fears the thought of sitting next to someone going into anaphylactic shock because someone in first class is eating a peanut. Then there are the dietary factors… peanuts are high in fat and for awhile peanuts were replaced with pretzels. How considerate of the airlines to be thinking of my arterial health. Well regardless, I am sure it took customer feedback surveys, financial analysis and Executive level meetings to decide to bring back the peanuts So, as I thumb though my “Skymall magazine” and eat my little pile of peanuts and drink my complimentary beverage I am delighted!. Can life get any better than this? Hmmm I guess I will have to see what adventures await me. Stay tuned!

Things that go bump in my life

Fear is something we all deal with in our lives. As a child I was scared of the dark and ghosts and imagined monsters under my bed . As an adult the fears are much the same only the fear of the dark is fear of the unknown the ghosts are remnants of the baggage I carry from negative past experiences and monsters are the events that render me powerless and frozen, too stunned to react. How often my fears are imagined scenarios I play over in my mind. I tell myself that it is in preparation, you know, "the worse case scenario"?...in reality my scenarios rarely come to fruition. In fact a description of fear is "Fictional Events Appearing Real. For me, fear is the absence of faith, and faith is just the knowing that whatever happens is by some design that I am just too small to understand. I pray for understanding, I pray for courage, I pray for wisdom but I realize that I do not have any control over the outcomes only the actions that lead to them. I forget these things sometimes, spiritual amnesia , then I have reflective moments and I remember. My favorite author Marianne Williamson says "Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here." We are born trusting and we learn to mistrust... first others and then probably the most tragic, ourselves. For today I rely on faith and trust in myself that if history is an indication of the future, no matter what happens, It will be exactly as predicted but not by me!