The Tangled Heart Necklace

Have you ever wondered about jewelry? I always find it a mystery how it can be in a rather protected place and yet when you choose to wear it, it can get all tangled and knotted and wrapped around each other. I sometimes wonder if it is like the toys in "Toy Story" when you are not looking there is some kind of a signal and all your jewelry starts to do a conga line and weave in and out of each other. Tonight I am feeling the same way about my heart. It is a mystery to me how I can have my heart in what I believe to be a fairly protected space, and when I am not looking it can get all tangled and knotted and wrapped up so tightly with situations and people that I just don't know how or when it happened let alone how to fix it. Like my jewelry, it is difficult to undo the mess...it is similar to untangling jewelry you need to let it get really relaxed and you must be in a very patient mind because to try to undertake this task when you are in a hurry or upset it just lends itself to more frustration. My heart is like that too. When it is tangled and knotted, I have to allow it the space to relax and move my spirit to quiet so that I will have the patience and understanding to undertake the challange of repairing it. Hmmm my heart, my jewelry, an interesting similarity. My Heart Jewelry, tangled, knotted, fragile... all but broken, if I am too hasty in my attempt to fix it the chain may disconnect and permanently separate. Better to sleep, and quiet my mind and undertake the task tomorrow.

Word Mandala

Have you observed the beautiful masterful art of the monks when they create a sand Mandala? The colored grains of sand organized in designs and swirls that creates something so beautiful. When the design is complete they empty it away and it is gone forever, never to be created again. Gone!

Tonight I captured some very profound thoughts. Thoughts organized around codependency. I shared memories of a joke I heard, "what did the codependent see when he was on his death bed? Someone Else's life passing before his eyes". That joke, propelled me to reflect on my mothers illness, my mortality and a sharing of my own experiences as they related to codependency. I wrote about how I willingly allowed my life to become so entangled with another, about being sucked into the vortex of their life, a vacuum that propelled me. I wrote about what a dishonor it was to loose my anchor and to assert my weight upon the sails of another. I captured how important it is for me to give of myself but to maintain my independence, and I wrote in that final paragraph... the climactic thought that when I leave this planet the life I see flashing before my eyes HAD DAMN WELL BE MINE! and then, I do what I do, I put someones needs ahead of my own, to return a phone call that could have waited until my thoughts had been fully realized and in the touch of a button POOF .... it was all gone! All my thoughts, all my words... all of my feelings. My spirit felt realizations disappeared, I couldn't recapture them. While I am telling this story, another was created. My thoughts, my feelings, my words... a Mandala, How symbolic! The lesson, that the lesson isn't over, my codependency has deep roots and by not paying attention to my life, I discount it. If I want the life that passes in front of my eyes at my death to be mine... I had better damn well be paying attention. My word mandala, swept away, How profound.

Parking Out Of The Lines

I believe everyone has their little quirks , strange things they do... the beauty of our relationships with others is that they put our quirks front and center so that you are sure to see them. If I hadn't anyone close to me I may not notice that I don't screw the lids back on jars, I may just grumble under my breath, when I have to pick out the pieces of Kleenex because I forgot to take them out of my pocket before I did the laundry, but no one would be the wiser. Other useful realizations include my dislike for the ends of pickles, spiders and insects with more than 4 legs, my refusing to drink water unless it is cold or with ice , and the fact that I am directionally challenged. I have also become aware that I announce when I am going to the bathroom, (comes from the years of children yelling for me when they couldn't find me), I leave Kleenex in rolled up little balls under my pillow and I don't like to eat a meal alone and I sometimes can't remember what I went into the room to get. You may have encountered that vehicle in the parking lot that is parked over the yellow lines , I have a confession, it could be me.

Most of the quirky things I do are outside of the lines. I have become desensitized to them. Having others in my life helps me challenge myself to be better. It would be easy if I only had to answer to me, but It would also facilitate complacency. Being a part of a relationship, a family, community or team keeps me accountable to others and essentially to myself. It is through this process that I can evolve and grow and always have a list of things to work on.

My Spiritual GPS

I am directionally challanged! Ok... I admit it. I spent over a decade traveling rural areas for my career and I could always find my way from Jones corner to the cemetary road down by the old mill but put me in the middle of an urban area with a few hundred cars, lights, horns merging trafffic and a million different options and I am lost. At the urging of my staff, friends and family I finally broke down and purchased a GPS system. I can't believe that I have survived without one. It reminds me a little of my microwave oven back in the early "80's". My Grandma bought me one as a gift and I remember thinking that it was really nice but I questioned if I would ever use it... think again...again, I can't imagine my life without it. I call my new GPS Gypsy, because she has a robotic, mysterious female voice and she foretells the future. In fact, I have learned so much about myself already from Gypsy. I learned that using a GPS requires a fair amount of faith. You program in the address of your destination and press "GO". Gypsy takes it from there. At every intersection, lane change and Avenue she tells me step by step how to get there. I am in total trust of Gypsy's fortune telling ability and I blindly follow her words. Oh, there is a little map that shows a little blue car that travels the path with pink lines and white curves to indicate the immediate journey ahead but in truth it is Gypsy's voice that directs me. There have been a couple of times in which I doubted her and I took control, only to be reminded of my fore mentioned confession, I am still directionally challenged. I guess I have to try it out once in awhile to remember how I got to relying on her in the first place. Perhaps I feel that after a short time with her guidance I will be healed in some way and I will suddenly have some epiphany and be able to navigate on my own? Regardless, I have found myself humbled asking for Gypsy's advice. She never judges me, she just picks up where we left off and soon I am back on my journey again.



I can't help but be reminded of the similarities to my relationship with my spiritual power When I let go of the outcomes of my life and put the journey in the hands of what I have come to believe as my God, then I make the journey painlessly and without delay. When I get in my own way, and start to believe that I know what is best for me, that is when I am quickly reminded and humbled to once again realize, that I need the direction of something more all knowing then myself. I don't profess to understand or to know anything about religion, or science. I only know that for me, when I place my life and will in the hands of God and allow that to move as it will, I am at peace. It does not always mean that I will be put on a path without slowdowns, stops or merging traffic, but I can trust, if history is an indicator, I will get to where I need to when I need to get there. Just like Gypsy, when I suffer spiritual amnesia and go back to my former habits, I am never judged, but am soon back on the journey again and I am reminded, how did I ever survive without God? oh yes... I remember that I did survive... but now, I live! Intersections, merging traffic and all and I can enjoy the journey.